Heaven's a Lie

11:29am: Ha ha ha, show me what you got
I've been having a surprisingly good time so far with one or two exceptions. I hope it sticks. It still does not change the fact that I want to switch schools. It's not just the social atmosphere that I am/was lacking here. It's a small school in the middle of a cold, windy city. There is not much of a campus and I want to upgrade on academics, and attend some pretty good sporting events.

I also realized that no matter how much people at home can suck, like, suck so bad it just makes you hate the thought of seeing them that I still will always miss home. I thought it was just because of an ugly first semester, but even at the most fun times here, I'm still like "Home sounds good." I don't get it. Sure I've been attached and lived in the same town my whole life, but there are definitely many other places I would prefer to be at this point in my life. Now's my chance to explore what really is out there before settling back down into a routine that will control most of the rest of my life.

I think a kickass trip somewhere this summer is in order. The west would be ideal, if I can afford it. I'm sick of being stuck in one time zone. I've been to the Caribbean once, but it's not the same. It's just a million people just like you, but in better weather. Going to Canada is the same thing, they're Canadians, there's nothing exciting. They are actually less interesting people than the people I deal with every day. Let me know if you're in.

7:19pm: There are only 9 days of classes left and I'm going to post every day until christmas break.

Today was alright, I finally started to care about my research paper, hopefully I'll be able to make it gorgeous. If I do, that's pretty much an A in the class.

5:07pm: I'm back in school, and even though I really don't want to be here, I have optimistic feelings. I'm gonna be working way too much to have to think too much about everything else. My roommate hasn't come back to school yet, I'm thinking he might watch the Sabres game at his house, then come back afterwards which would be great. I don't think I'm going to go out much if at all until I come home because of all this work/studying. I don't know, I'm just spitting out random thoughts as I go along. Home was so much fun. Even though I was there in October, it was so good to see everyone that I hadn't seen since August. I didn't spend too much time at my house and I feel kind of bad about it, because my parents do fund my life, and will probably be helping for at least the next ten years unless I win the lottery.

What I pretty much have to do in the next couple weeks is survive some small things my teachers throw at me, do this crazy research paper, a crazy project, and then take five finals which will pretty much say what I get in each class. I'm kind of afraid I will not know what the hell I'm in for when it comes to these tests, but I'm just going to start studying this week, get back in the groove and be solid until break. I miss everybody already, and I'll see you all soon, and that means ALL OF YOU. If you know me, I will find you, and attack you and possibly make love to you boy or girl, I won't care. Peace out my crackas.

1:38am: So I'm home as you all know. It doesn't feel like I ever left at this point, but I will have to depart this amazing town (and I'm not being sarcastic) in just over a day. It has brought back so many memories good and bad, but I can look back at all of them and smile. Being away in hell has made me realize that I did live life to its fullest. I now feel like that kid I thought I should have been at graduation, but then, I was still living the high school life. Being here I still miss Ridgefield because I know things will never be the same again.

Dunkin Donuts isn't the same, Buzz's basement isn't the same, Genoa isn't the same, my bedroom isn't the same, and I think that's what growing up is. To still be a citizen of Ridgefield, but feel like I've lost touch with it sucks. I'm proud to be from here, I've lived here my whole life, and I don't want that to ever change. I think I'm afraid of adulthood. I don't know how to act mature yet, I don't want to. It's fun laughing at the most immature things and doing stupid teenage stuff. I'm still only 18, but it feels like I just left for college and freshman year is halfway over. It's hard to believe that the times you want to move slowly move too fast, and the times you wish you could speed through move ever so slow. I do want to get out of Canisius as fast as possible, and it is doing just that, but at the same time, this is a whole year of my life. I don't want to waste it, but it is being wasted and I hate myself for it.

I've never liked change and I knew that it would take awhile to adjust, but the change hasn't even begun. So many random memories and thoughts keep popping into my head and it sucks so much. My best friends are still here, and I hope that doesn't change. It's like my family, I can go away, but I know through all of this they'll always be here. Every time I come back to Ridgefield, I want that same feeling with the people here. You don't have to lose touch with old friends while making new ones. Maybe I'm saying all of this because I haven't made any real friends at school, and haven't been able to be me, and this nasty feeling can all go away once I'm somewhere else, but I still can't imagine my life without everyone. We don't have to be best friends, hell, we could be worst enemies, just knowing that there is still a part of my first 18 years here is all I need.

It kills more to know one of the people that was familiar, because they just were, died not even a week before we all came back. Almost every waking minute I think about it, and it's hard to get over. I'm afraid to think what the day someone very close to me dies will be like if I am this fucked up from all of this.

4:59pm: things like this aren't supposed to happen

every time i wake up i just pray to god it was all a dream

2:34pm: I have some allergy related virus that I can't spell. I lost my voice and my right eye makes me look like I was crying. I took a trip down to Mercyhurst and let me tell you it was a good ass break from this hell hole of a school. I went to an intense hockey game, and saw tons of hot chicks in skimpy halloween costumes, amazing. Claire's friends are alright, especially this one crazy kid Paul who kept acting black, and tried doing the Usher dance. Kinda weird. Anyways, I think I'm gonna try and transfer to UConn or maybe look at some other sweet ass schools that don't start with C and end in anisius College. Peace out.

12:27am: I'm sick :( Why can't my mommy go out and buy Ginger Ale or Stewart's Strawberries and Cream soda? Why can't I sleep on the couch and watch TV all day while being catered to? It's actually kind of weird being sick away from home. Everyone always feels bad for you and nobody's making it worse here, but the comfort of my bed back home just seems like such a good idea right now. Headaches and soar throats = I want to punt a baby.

I'll stop complaining...home in four weeks! Peace out.

12:02am: You never know how much you really love a team until you see them lose the most important game they have played in 20 years. I'm not happy. Fuck the Cardinals, they lost to the Sox, they're going to lose to the Tigers. Fuck everything.

2:11am: I need to get out of here.

2:03pm: Boring/disappointing visit home I must say, and I still don't want to leave. I guess people are lame everywhere.

11:34pm: Sometimes saying one tiny thing can ruin one person's day.

I really don't want to come home now.

1:09am: I didn't think it'd be this hard to let go. I miss you dearly.

3:49pm: so this is how my classes look:

Macroeconomics- basically Mr. Rogers is the flippin man. He's this really chill, funny, young black dude. His method of teaching is already a winner.

Quantitative Methods- Too freakin easy, it's like being in Functions again, cept not with Capello, Pfaff is a weird old man who takes pictures of us

Latin- No comments or complaints yet other than the fact that it looks like it'll be pretty easy.

Composition- FUCKIN SUCKS

Computer Science- Seems like it'll be tough, but fun at the same time. My teacher is this obnoxious mom-like figure. Very amusing to listen to her lecture.

Good luck to all you other college kids, and you gay high schoolers :)

1:28pm: I'm in college. It's pretty sweet. I haven't done much yet but once classes and everything start I'm sure things will be completely different. I hope everyone else in college is doing well and all you Ridgefielders, stay strong, I know it's probably IMPOSSIBLE to deal with the fact that I'm so far away, but you know what? That's life. :) Anyways, basically I'm seeing Bob Saget tonight. I'm sure he'll be quite funny. Tomorrow I start classes, exciting...and that is pretty much it.

11:12am: Less drama. More fun. I thought by now some people would have caught on, but no. Story of my life. 2 weeks. Thank God.

2:05pm: So I went to Warped Tour yesterday. It was pretty freaking awesome. When Scott and I got there, we saw the Bled finishing their set. They ended with Red Wedding, and it was amazing, so hardcore. Then we walked over to the rightside mainstage where Billy Talent put on the most energetic set of the day. After that we decided to go and see the end of Hellogoodbye's set, which was so funny. They had The Early November run out on stage in food costumes such as hot dogs and hamburgers, and they started this rap and kept going "Let me see your browneye!". It was quite funny. So after that, The Early November actually played and they were actually amazing. They opened with Something That Produces Results, ended with Baby Blue. Cream worthy. We took a break after that, really not interested in seeing Thursday. So we hung out in the shade, and then went over to see the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. They sucked major major balls. So then we were all like "Yo, let's check out Saves the Day." They put on a good set, but only having their first album...and hearing a couple other songs here and there I wasn't able to fully enjoy the set. So after Saves the Day we were all like "GYM CLASS HEROES TIME BITCHES". Great great performance. It was really chill and they know how to put on a show. After that, we saw Senses Fail, and holy shit, I don't think any band can beat "One Eight Seven" when it comes to closing out a set. Everyone went insane, and they will always be amazing. Yup, that's all I have to say.

5:03pm: I feel like doing something crazy. Something epic. Like writing an album that will change somebody's life, or a movie that will define an age, or a book that will stir controversy and challenge thought for decades to come.

9:46am: So last night after Loren and I saw You, Me and Dupree, there was this douchebag driving a Jeep Wrangler. He tried cutting me off in the parking lot, but I wouldn't let him, so then he started to tail me like no other. (This was in Wilton). So I'm going like 10 MPH while he's tailing me. Then when we get to the part where you go straight to head towards Route 7, and left to head towards 33, I go straight, he goes left, and I think of something clever. So at the top of the hill, even though you're not supposed to turn left, I did. And I sped up hoping I'd A) Beat him or B) Be able to tail him. B happened. So he pulls out in front of me, and I start to tail him like no other. Brights on, riding his ass. He tries braking to make me hit him, doesnt work. He slows down in a passing zone...thinking I would be dumb enough to try and pass, doesn't work. So then he turns onto this one way road, hoping I'll follow him, I don't, and thank God, because the 2 cars behind ME pulled into that road. It doesnt sound it, but it was quite exciting, and I love pissing people off like that, especially douchebags that drive yellow Jeep Wranglers. That's my story.

7:56pm: So this interview thing is becoming popular, here is what Loren had to ask me.

1. What are you going to miss the most about high school?
All of my friends going to college/staying here, etc. Just everyone. It's going to be really hard to adjust to meeting these new people, and realizing I'm stuck with them for four years whether that's a good or bad thing. Since friends is pretty much a given, I'll go a bit more into it. Even though we all hate waking up early, being in school all day, and getting home at 2:30 five days a week, every week for about 10 months, I'm just used to it. In a way I'm going to really miss that about high school, things seem safer, more comfortable when they are so strict. I know what I'll be doing for the day for the most part, I have since I was in kindergarten. With my college schedule, I'm going to have so much free time I won't know what to do with myself. I'll feel a little too free, and sometimes I feel like I'm not ready for that.
2. What is something that you've learned from your friendships and relationships in the past few years?
I've always been so self-conscious/pessimistic when it came to friends and girls that when I let people get too close to me, I have a habit of pushing them away. I don't mean to, and I don't want to, but I do. I'm afraid of relationships. I'm afraid that if I'm not the perfect guy for somebody, then I'm not worth being with. I've learned that I need to lighten up, be me, and not let other people, or even myself get to me. With friends in general though, I feel like sometimes I have been let down, and I have let down friends. It sucks, but we all make such a big deal out of it, and that's not what growing up is. I thought freshman year when all this really pointless drama was going on that it would be over by junior or senior year. It hasn't. I need to learn to surround myself with people that will forgive and forget, knowing that whatever I did wasn't meant to be hurtful, and not worth being yelled at for.
3. What is a philosophy that you swear by and why?
There are two. Trust nobody but yourself, and press on. It's really easy to trust somebody to do something for you, or be there for you, and in high school, people have been unfaithful. I don't think any of us are old enough to really know what trust means, because it is so fake at our age. The consequences now, compared to when we are older are far different. Press on. It's too simple, but I was listening to a song where the singer just repeated those two words over and over, and they just lifted me up. I can't let whatever has happened in my past to have an effect on how I live now, and how I will live. There's always tomorrow, there's always next week, there's always next year. Time is on our side, and know that it will always be there.
4. What song do you indentify the most with and why?
This relates to the above entry, but it would be "To Whom It May Concern" by Underoath. The music, the lyrics, they just all define me, and what I have to do. "Press on, press on, this is not your escape, this is not your escape, now press on, press on, cuz in this place we're all as good as dead, this cycle." Those are the basics of the song, and for such a dark song instrumentally, the lyrics give light. That's what Underoath does, they give the most positive, uplifting messages in ways we can relate as teens. When you're not in a good mood, you don't want to hear some gay ass "be happy" type of song to get you out of the funk, you want the song to relate to you, and that's exactly what it does. It then ends with a soft chorus of "At the end of the road you'll find what you've been longing for, you'll find what you've been longing for, you'll find what you've been longing for." It gives goosebumps, and has really helped me the past few weeks.
5. How are you feeling abou graduating and leaving this stage of your life behind?
I'm every emotion in the book. Happy, sad, angry, afraid, nervous, anxious, ready, not ready. Everything in my head is just exploding. I didn't think it'd be like this. Last year at this time I thought I knew how the seniors felt graduating, but I really didn't. Now as a Senior ready to go to college, I do know. It is a pretty empty feeling, because it's the end of a road, the only road I know. I feel like there are so many things I missed out on, but at the same time, there is not a single moment that I regret. I think this is the hardest stage to leave in life because I'm done with my first stage. The past 18 years have all been one cycle. I've lived life by that cycle. I don't know how else to live. Still though, I am excited. It's something new, it's something fun, it's freedom. Time to move on.

7:51pm: Yeah, so I basically made it known that I wouldn't make anymore entries, but I've been sick for a few days, and I'd just like to get a few things across.

First of all, for those of you who I've lost my friendships with since the beginning of the school year, I started to regret some of it, I really did. Then I realized something, whoever is reading this that was once a friend of mine, but now isn't, it's completely your fault. Now, I'm not trying to sound like I'm always right, but I've made it pretty clear, if you do something to me without any justification, you're gonna get the crapper. Does it mean that I don't want to be your friend anymore? No. Maybe you perceived it that way, but I'm not trying to see how many people can hate me before I graduate. What it meant was I want some time away from your jackassness for awhile, and if you continue treating me like shit afterwards, I'd never acknowledge you ever again. Now, since most people I become friends with somehow act like 7th graders and think that a big fight or something means that you can't even talk to or make eye contact with me, I'll make it clear:

I'm a good person, I really am. My rude attitude is more of a playful attitude than a serious one. I'm an insecure person so it's how I get by. If you don't like it, then don't string along any sort of friendship and then freak out at me because I'm being an ass. Deal with it, or leave. It seems to be a trend lately though to do something to put me in a bad spot, and then lash out at me when I try and stand up for myself. When I talk to you about something that happened, I'm not looking for an apology, just an explanation of why you would do something like that to me, which I haven't gotten from anyone.

So instead of being immature, make an effort to talk to me. I already tried talking to you and it didn't work, I'm not trying again.

11:20pm:

 

This mean friends only. If you are not a "friend" of mine right now, tell me and I'll add you.